Find a Dom

You know what you want. A hand at the back of your neck. A voice that does not need to be raised. Someone who looks at you as though he has already decided what happens next, and is in no hurry about it. Someone who says "good girl", or "good boy", and means it.

Finding a man who calls himself a Dom is easy. Mention you are submissive on any dating site and a dozen will appear by lunchtime. Finding a good one is the hard part, and it is the only part that matters.

Dom sub dating, or sub dom dating if you come at it from the other side, works when the person leading is steady, attentive and honest. It goes badly when he is none of those things and has simply learned that the word "Dom" gets replies. A dom sub dating site only helps if you know what to look for, so this page is about telling the two apart before you agree to anything. If your profile says "submissive looking for Dom", this is what to hold out for.

You can spot most of these from a profile and a few messages.

He asks about your limits early. It is one of his first questions, and he asks because he wants to know, with no hint of box ticking. A Dominant who plans around your limits is one you can relax with.

He is in no rush. He is happy to talk for a week or more. He suggests meeting in public first. He understands that you are deciding whether to trust him and he lets you take the time you need.

He can describe how he leads. Strict or gentle, formal or playful, heavy on structure or light on it. A real Dom has thought about this. He can tell you what a week with him looks like.

He talks about aftercare. What happens once the scene ends matters to him: a blanket, water, a quiet talk, a message the next day. Someone who has never heard the word has not done this much.

He takes no for an answer the first time. Try a small one early. "I would rather not send a photo yet." Watch what he does with it.

He has a life. Work, friends, interests. Dominance is a part of him. It is not a costume he wears because nothing else is going on.

He says what he is offering. Guidance, attention, consistency, care. A sub gives up a lot of control. A good Dom knows that deserves a return.

Find a man with most of those and you will feel the difference in the first conversation. You will notice you are sitting very still, reading his messages twice, and already wondering what it would take to please him.

Later, in person, it is simpler still. He tells you to take off one thing, and then he makes you wait. He holds both your wrists in one hand. He asks if you want more, and he makes you say it out loud.

• He gives orders in his first message, before you have agreed to any dynamic at all.
• He calls limits "something we will work on".
• He will not meet somewhere public.
• He wants you off the site and onto a private number within minutes.
• He gets sharp or sulky when you say no.
• He claims that real submissives do not need safewords.

None of those is dominance. Each is a red flag, and you should stop replying when you see one.

Good questions do two jobs. They get you information, and they show him you are not a pushover. A decent Dom will enjoy answering them.

1. "How do you like to start with someone new?" You are listening for slowly, and with conversation.
2. "What does aftercare look like for you?" He should have an answer ready.
3. "What are your own limits?" Every experienced Dominant has some. "None" is a bad sign.
4. "How have your previous dynamics ended?" Bitterness about every former partner tells you something.
5. "What do you expect from me day to day?" Rules, check-ins, time. Make sure it fits your real life.
6. "What happens if I use my safeword?" The only right answer is that everything stops and he checks on you.
7. "What are you hoping this becomes?" Play partner, ongoing dynamic, relationship. Say yours as well.

The dominant meaning people look up is a simple one. In BDSM, the dominant partner is the one who takes control in a dynamic that both people have agreed to. The submissive hands over certain decisions. The Dominant makes them, and carries the responsibility for how it goes.

The control is given, and it can be withdrawn. A Dom has exactly as much authority as his sub has agreed to and not a scrap more. That is the difference between dominance and plain bossiness.

You will see a few related terms on profiles.

• Dom is the general word, usually for a man. Domme is the female form, though many dominant women prefer the title Mistress.
• A dom sub relationship, often written D/s, is any ongoing dominant and submissive arrangement built on that exchange. It might be for an evening a week or for every day. D/s dating is dating with that in mind from the first message.
• A pleasure Dom is a Dominant whose main interest is the sub's enjoyment. He is in control, and he uses it to give. Subs who like the idea of surrender but not of pain or punishment often look for one.
• A Dom partner is simply the dominant half of a couple, whether for a night or for years.
• Top describes who is doing the action in a scene. A top is not always dominant, and a Dom is not always the top.

If you are a Dominant reading this to find a sub, everything above is your instruction manual. Subs here are careful, and they have every reason to be.

Write a profile that describes how you lead and what you give. Ask about limits before you ask about anything else. Never send an order to someone who has not agreed to take orders from you. Suggest a public first meeting yourself, so she does not have to.

If you are new to it, say so. Dom training is mostly practice. Dom and sub training often happens side by side, with both of you learning as you go. Reading what submissives are told to expect will show you what a careful sub is looking for. And if your interest is mainly in restraint, our guide to finding a bondage partner is a good second stop.

Not every submissive wants a male Dom. Men who want to be led by a woman will find what they need under femdom.

Dom sub, Australia wide, comes with a catch, and the catch is distance. Search by role and area to find Dominants in your state. Dominant personals used to be a line in a magazine. Now it is a profile and a search. If your town is small and you are working out how to find a Dom near me, the dom near me advice in our local guide explains how far people usually travel and when it makes sense to begin online.